I love you and I will miss you forever.
August 5, 1997 - April 24, 2009

I'll be with you someday.

It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me.

My weekend was pretty good.  Friday I went to the gym and happy hour and had fun and was happy with myself.  Saturday we went to the Lancaster outlets and Kettle Kitchen Village in Intercourse, PA.  They had this store where you could try all different types of jam and relish and butters.  Best store ever.  I tried Boysenberry and all other fun kinds.  It was almost closing time when we got there, so I couldn't try all the ones I wanted to, but there's always next time.  I bought some killer strawberry preserves and some hella good apple butter spread.  Sunday I pretty much did nothing, and it was great.  Monday, while I was at work, I thought I was going blind.  I couldn't focus on anything.  It was almost like I had been staring directly into lights for too long and then looked away.  I could kind of see around the outside, but not really.  It really scared me.  Around 4 it went away and replaced itself with a headache.  Then I started feeling sick to my stomach.  It was not pleasant.  I went home and laid in bed for 3 hours and around 8 I was finally able to get up and ate some English muffins with my new condiments.  So delicious.  I think it was a migraine I had, but I can't be sure.  Nothing ever happened to me like that before.  I was scared I was going blind and seriously thought I had a brain tumor.  Ugh.

So that whole migraine ordeal really started my week off pretty shitty.  Once I miss a day at the gym I feel like a fat slob and totally useless, and it throws off my whole week.  Yesterday I did go to the gym and was almost able to run for 20 minutes straight.  My leg started to hurt, probably from not stretching enough and from laying around all day Sunday and Monday, so it was kind of painful.  But I struggled through it.  I saw CJ at the gym, which totally made my day.  At first I didn't see him and then he was walking right toward me around the track and I almost stopped breathing.  I had to look at my ipod to keep from staring at him.  I fantasize about just wrapping my arms around him and having him hold me.  Is that weird?  He just looks so perfect.  <3

Today at work was when the shit hit the fan.  Everything was going fine.  I had eaten my normal breakfast and lunch and drank tons of water and then we went over to my boss's goodbye party.  Can a work party not include cake for once?  Fuck.  There was a giant cake with strawberry frosting and they also had chocolate peanut butter ice cream and cheesesteak dip.  Fuck.  I was fine just sitting there, watching everyone eat and proud of myself for being able to say no.  Then they brought the fucking ice cream out.  I decided a little ice cream wouldn't hurt.  Two helpings of ice cream and two plates of cake later...  There is seriously something wrong with me.  All I want to do lately is eat bad shit.  Once I started, I couldn't stop.  Then, we got back a little past the time I normally leave, so I thought I would just skip the gym today and go food shopping, which I was going to do after my hair appointment tonight.  Bad idea.  I bought a bunch of fruit, some lunch stuff, and a jar of peanut butter and a box of oreos.  They fucking call to me.  It's disgusting.  I already at some and I know the whole time I'm getting my hair done, that's all I'll be thinking about.  Fuck those Nabisco bastards.  And fuck me, too, for not having the self control not to do this shit.  Now I feel like my whole week is going to suck and I'm just going to add more pounds to the pounds I already gained from Easter.  I didn't know that telling someone you didn't want candy for Easter meant that you actually want candy for Easter.  I can't blame someone else for me eating it, I can only blame myself, but if it's there, I'm going to eat it, and if it's not, I won't.  So I ate all that candy in one fucking day. 

I feel like I can't get control of my own life.  I should be able to control myself.  Why does food consume my thoughts and my life???  Why, after doing so well for so many weeks, do I start getting mad and resentful at the fact that I can't just eat whatever I want?  Why can't I just accept the fact that I have to work out for the rest of my life?  "They" always say to let yourself cheat once in awhile when you are dieting, but that just doesn't work for me.  This is what happens when I cheat.  I fucking binge and then skip the gym a few days and gain pounds back that I worked so hard to take off.  I resent the fact that my life will always be a struggle like this.  I will always be battling myself about what goes in my mouth, and feeling like crap about basically everything that does, even if it's "healthy."  I feel like there is always food in everything I do.  And going to the gym everyday by myself and living in my head by myself all day gets lonely.  Food is like my only friend sometimes and when it's being taken away and restricted, I feel alone.  So alone.  I have no tears left to cry about this.  I've cried them all out.  I need to get control of my life.  I need to stop letting people influence my decisions.  I just want to be on my own.  I need to start standing up for myself.  I need to stop thinking I'm worthless just because I'm overweight. 

Food, I wish I could quit you.